


neither one of us deserves the blame

by Florchis



Category: Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. (TV)
Genre: Bi Daisy Johnson, Bi Jemma Simmons, Bisexual Female Character, Cheating, Comfort, F/F, Femslash February, Femslash February 2017, Inside the Framework, Mentions of canon brainwashing, Mentions of canon rape threats, POV Jemma Simmons, comfort kisses, not Grant Ward friendly, s04e15: Self-control
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-28
Updated: 2017-02-28
Packaged: 2018-09-27 12:45:54
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,460
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10021340
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Florchis/pseuds/Florchis
Summary: [Post 4x15]Daisy clenches and unclenches the fingers on her right hand, and Jemma takes it in hers and forces her to straighten her fingers so she can start rubbing her sore palm. Daisy takes a sharp breath, and Jemma smiles, because that’s a sure sign of determination.“I would like you to kiss me.”For a moment, Jemma feels like she is in a dream, where she can understand words even though words don’t mean exactly what she thinks they do.





	

**Author's Note:**

> This is canon compliant as far as canon goes, so there are explicit mentions of Jemma being in a (happy, healthy) relationship with Fitz while this happens. I don't judge her for what happens here (and I think neither would Fitz, but that might be just me), but I don't want anyone to get upset/send me hate, and that's why I tagged 'cheating'. Beware of that before reading.  
> Title form "Absolutely zero" by Jason Mraz, because I wanted this making a constellation with my Framework Fitzsimmons fic, even though I wouldn't say they are concurrent.

“Can I ask you to do something?”

“Yes, of course.”

“It’s just… it is something very personal, and I don’t want you to feel forced to do it or anything.”

They are lying together on the floor of Jemma’s hole-in-the-wall apartment, almost like their real bodies are lying side by side in the real world; they are just talking softly and holding hands, because time is vital, but so is staying alive, and in order to do that they need to not have a mental breakdown every two hours.

“Just tell me already, Daisy.”

She lifts her torso a little, just enough to rest her chin in the palm of her hand, her elbow at a right angle. Jemma looks at her with curious eyes. It’s amazing just how much she got used to Daisy’s face being the only real thing she can trust, Daisy’s hands being the only thing tying her to their reality, a reality that is not this, not every insanity that it’s happening around them.

They have had their up and downs in the last four years, but they always have been close. But now there is a whole new level of intimacy, in the way Jemma knows every different look in her eyes, every little scar in her hands, every different way she can bite her lip: in worry, in anxiety, in desire, in concentration.

“Promise me you won’t get mad.”

“It’s like you and Fitz are sibs from different cribs, I swear.” Something strange passes through Daisy’s eyes at the mention of Fitz, and Jemma softens her voice. “I will try my best.”

Daisy clenches and unclenches the fingers on her right hand, and Jemma takes it in hers and forces her to straighten her fingers so she can start rubbing her sore palm. Daisy takes a sharp breath, and Jemma smiles, because that’s a sure sign of determination.

“I would like you to kiss me.”

For a moment, Jemma feels like she is in a dream, where she can understand words even though words don’t mean exactly what she thinks they do. 

“I beg your pardon?”

Daisy quickly averts her eyes, and tries to retract her hand, but Jemma doesn’t let her.

“Let’s pretend that I said nothing, okay?”

“Daisy.” She tries to pour into her voice everything she feels, how difficult this would be without her, how glad she is that they can be doing this together, always side by side, how important is for her that they can be honest with each other. “You are the only thing real to me in this world. If we stop being real with each other, I might go out of my mind.” Daisy nods once, but she isn’t looking back at her, so Jemma keeps going. “Just tell me why.”

“Why what?”

“Why do you want me to kiss you.” Daisy scoffs, and Jemma realizes that she also needs to explain herself. “I need to know to make an informed decision.”

“An inf-, _oh, god, Simmons._ Only you.” Daisy smiles and shakes her head, and Jemma is glad to at least be able to make her smile. “It’s not easy, you know. Living with Ward.” That was not the answer that Jemma was expecting, and she freezes.“This version of him is not the terrible lying bastard we knew, or at least not that I can tell, and I got better at being able to tell. It’s not his fault, really. I’m even glad that we can be happy together in a different universe, but this is not my universe, and this is not my life. I’m me, and I have my own baggage, and I can not forget or forgive what his doppelganger did to me. He touches his forehead with mine and I can only think about that time I headbutted him when he kidnapped me. He tries to get me to be the little spoon and I can only think of that time he threatened to rape me. It’s a nightmare come true.”

Jemma squeezes her hand harder and swallows the lump on her own throat. It pains her that Daisy has to live through this again, and that’s another reason why she wants to be done with this as soon as possible.

“I understand Daisy, and believe me when I say that if I could do anything to make things better, I would. But I don’t understand what that has to do with-”

“Because my body is mine, Simmons, okay? My body is mine and my mind is mine and when I am close to him I feel like that is not entirely true, because he was also the face of the monster that brainwashed and possessed me. And in order to not have a breakdown, I feel like I need something to reassure me that I’m in control of me and my body, that I can still do what I want and not what he wants. That I’m in complete possession of myself. Maybe it’s silly, but I just want to erase trauma with good memories.”

That’s when Jemma kisses her.

Maybe it’s not the wisest decision she has made in her life, but Daisy is right next to her, vulnerable and raw, and she is the only real thing in Jemma’s life right now (except, maybe, the suffocating desire to go home) and she can’t watch her suffering without doing everything in her power to lessen it. She’s been thinking a lot lately about the differences between a human being and one of Radcliffe’s robots from hell, and, well, if humans are programmed to do certain things, she is definitely programmed to not let anyone suffer on her watch.

Daisy whimpers against her mouth, and Jemma closes her eyes. The kiss is nice; soft and tentative, but nice nonetheless, and Jemma lets herself get lost in it. Daisy’s lips are trembling slightly, and she has no powers here, but Jemma can’t help but wonder if maybe habits die hard.

They break apart, and Daisy doesn’t open her eyes. Jemma understands why, a little, but that doesn’t mean that she doesn’t want to capitalise on this moment, so she strokes Daisy’s cheeks with the back of her hands. She still has questions that need answers, though. 

“Have you wanted to kiss me, Daisy? Before all this madness?” 

“Do I have to answer that question?”

“Yes.”

Jemma kisses the tip of her nose, to reassure her or just because she wants to, she is not entirely sure.

“Yes. I have liked you for a long time. But then there was Fitz, and well, I wasn’t lying when I told you that I know that you and Fitz belong together and-”

Jemma kisses her again. Mostly because she wants to feel the warmth of her lips, the way they ignite her, like maybe she is still alive and not just a machine doing what needs to be done. (But also, a little, because she can’t bear to hear Fitz’s name lately. It’s too much pain, too much longing, just _ too much.)  _ Daisy makes a sound on the back of her throat, but she doesn’t break the kiss, and after a little while she moves her hands to Jemma’s shoulders.

It’s reassuring, Jemma thinks between one kiss and the next, that she still is in possession of her mind and her free will, that she gets to choose to do this even though she doesn’t have an actual, corporeal body to do them with. She can understand a little why Daisy needed it.

When they finally break apart, they rest forehead against forehead, just looking into each other’s eyes, and it’s the most calming, soothing thing that had happened in their lives in a long while. Jemma moves a loose strand of hair behind Daisy’s ear, and really, everything about this is a wonder, from what’s happening to the fact that they can feel this as if it were real.        

“We will talk about this when we get back, okay? For now, I’m okay with doing anything that helps us,  _ both of us, _ stay as safe and sane as possible.”

Daisy makes a face.

“There will be nothing to talk about, Simmons. When we get back there will be Fitz, and you  want to get _engaged_ to the man , and I can not even be sad about it, because I love you and I love him, and it makes me deliriously happy that you two have each other.” 

She is drifting apart already, and Jemma might not be able to survive it, so it’s time to come clean with the truth. 

“We will talk, Daisy, because you are not the only one that have wanted to do this for a long time.”         


End file.
